The Loneliness of Living Abroad

Living abroad is not for the faint of heart. I know it probably wouldn't be so bad in one of the larger cities that had a real expat community that I could turn to; but here in Shaoyang (the "real" China), I can count the foreigners I see on any kind of a regular basis on one hand. It's just too far off the beaten path.

Most of the time, I'm OK. But there are times the loneliness hits and sometimes it feels like it will damn near kill me.

Today has been one of those times.

The Chinese are very friendly and accomodating and hospitable, but so few of them here speak good English and they seem to keep foreigners, even friends, at arm's length; at least that's the impression that I get. Assuming that I had any close Chinese friends, coming from such different cultures it feels as if they could never *really* understand me, nor I them.

As much as I love my solitude, I know that No man is an island entire of itself...  and yet, here I am, in a sea of humanity, over a billion people, yet so incredibly alone... so totally different from them and standing out like a sore thumb.

It's the worst at night, laying there alone in the dark. The times I need a hand to hold or a shoulder to lay on and there isn't one...

I realize that a lot of my posts have had a negative tone. I promise I will write some positive ones soon. Don't get me wrong, I am, on the whole, really enjoying my time teaching English in China. My first weeks in China got off to a bad start. This current humbug is unrelated to that. I guess it's just human nature to focus on the negative more than the positive.

Yes, yes, I know all the platitudes about making you a stronger person and preparing the way for the right person and being part and parcel of living abroad... trust me, I repeat them to myself constantly... which has become something of a rather pathetic litany of late. Most of the time I believe it... but not tonight.

Go East, Young Man!

Well folks, I've returned to my blog to start documenting my impending departure for China. I will be gone for at least six months, possibly longer if I choose to stay.

I've been taking Chinese lessons for several weeks now through the Chinese Culture Center in Columbia, SC, and they are helping to place me in a school in Hunan Province, which is in southern China. I don't know exactly where I will be yet.

Today after class I signed my contract and it's now official.

I am terribly nervous and excited at the same time. Change is always at least a little frightening, but it's much-needed change. Life has been pretty stagnant lately. Not being able to find work in my field, I tried my hand at real estate. Columbia was pretty fortunate for most of the current economic downturn, and its real estate market had been pretty well insulated from the worst of the recession and its aftermath. That is, until I became a Realtor. Talk about bad timing.

In this year I have known the indescribable joy of falling in love for the first time and also the inhuman pain of having your heart broken for the first time. I guess this hit me a little later than most people, but it happens to us all eventually. I don't bear any ill-will, however. He's an amazing, talented, funny and totally gorgeous guy who I still think the world of... it just didn't work out. Perhaps another time or another place... but not now. That said, it has also nearly killed me. I never knew such pain was possible, and  I never thought I could miss someone so much. I've cried over this more than I have anything else before. There will probably always be a part of me that loves him. I think that's true with a lot of first loves. But I'm slowly getting better, and this is just another challenge to overcome.

Most of my old college friends have left Columbia and moved to other parts of the state and country. My best friend Erin is getting ready to leave for graduate school. With her departure, I will truly be alone in Columbia as far as having close friends nearby.

So as you can see, as much as I will miss Columbia, I think the universe is telling me that I have accomplished all I can do here. Career, Love, and Friendships have all reached an end point for me here. It's time to move on.

And that's where China comes in. In this blog, I hope to document the excitement, the fear, the happiness, the sadness, and the anxiety that come from picking up and leaving the place you have lived your entire life. Now that I'm setting out on a new path and seeking to reshape my destiny, charting a new course on one of the new frontiers of human development, I welcome you all along for the ride with me.

A note about the new name of my blog. "Go West, young man" was newspaperman and politician Horace Greeley's advice to young men during the nineteenth century. Well, there's no more frontier in the United States, and there is so much growth and development going on in Asia that now I think the phrase should be "Go East, young man!" So I shall.