Living abroad is not for the faint of heart. I know it probably wouldn't be so bad in one of the larger cities that had a real expat community that I could turn to; but here in Shaoyang (the "real" China), I can count the foreigners I see on any kind of a regular basis on one hand. It's just too far off the beaten path.
Most of the time, I'm OK. But there are times the loneliness hits and sometimes it feels like it will damn near kill me.
Today has been one of those times.
The Chinese are very friendly and accomodating and hospitable, but so few of them here speak good English and they seem to keep foreigners, even friends, at arm's length; at least that's the impression that I get. Assuming that I had any close Chinese friends, coming from such different cultures it feels as if they could never *really* understand me, nor I them.
As much as I love my solitude, I know that No man is an island entire of itself... and yet, here I am, in a sea of humanity, over a billion people, yet so incredibly alone... so totally different from them and standing out like a sore thumb.
It's the worst at night, laying there alone in the dark. The times I need a hand to hold or a shoulder to lay on and there isn't one...
I realize that a lot of my posts have had a negative tone. I promise I will write some positive ones soon. Don't get me wrong, I am, on the whole, really enjoying my time teaching English in China. My first weeks in China got off to a bad start. This current humbug is unrelated to that. I guess it's just human nature to focus on the negative more than the positive.
Yes, yes, I know all the platitudes about making you a stronger person and preparing the way for the right person and being part and parcel of living abroad... trust me, I repeat them to myself constantly... which has become something of a rather pathetic litany of late. Most of the time I believe it... but not tonight.
